If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why relationships can feel so challenging or why you react to your partner in certain ways, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is a must-read. I thoroughly enjoyed this insightful and well-researched book. It provides a fascinating dive into the world of attachment theory and how our early experiences shape the ways we connect with others. What stood out most to me is the empowering idea that we aren’t fixed in one attachment style for life. Instead, our attachment tendencies can shift, especially when we’re in relationships that either support or challenge our emotional needs.
The book introduces three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant (with a fourth, disorganized, briefly touched upon in research but not the focus here). Here’s a brief summary of each:
Attachment Styles
Secure: People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and independence. They tend to trust their partner, communicate openly, and navigate conflicts without losing sight of the relationship’s stability. These individuals make others feel safe and valued in relationships.
Anxious: Those with an anxious attachment style crave closeness and worry about their partner’s love or commitment. They may feel insecure and overly preoccupied with the relationship. Protest behaviours for this style include calling or texting excessively, acting out to get attention, or withdrawing emotionally to see if their partner notices.
Avoidant: Avoidant individuals value independence and may see intimacy as threatening. They often keep partners at a distance, fearing that closeness will compromise their autonomy. Protest behaviours include shutting down emotionally, avoiding communication, or devaluing the relationship.
Disorganized (rarely discussed in the book): This style combines anxious and avoidant tendencies, often resulting from trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
Key Insights
One of the most compelling ideas in Attached is that attachment styles can be activated or exacerbated by mismatched dynamics in a relationship. For example, an anxious person paired with an avoidant partner may find their insecurities magnified, while a secure partner might help an anxious person feel more grounded.The book also provides practical advice on identifying protest behaviours (the actions we take when our attachment systems feel threatened) and learning to work with, rather than against, our attachment needs.
For anyone curious about improving their relationships, this book offers a treasure trove of insights. It’s not just a guide to understanding yourself but also a roadmap to choosing and maintaining healthier, more fulfilling connections. Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term partnership, Attached is a deeply valuable resource that invites reflection, growth, and change.
I highly recommend it!
